Couple's Counseling: When, Where, How

Relationships are hard, yet we often expect them to be the kind of love stories we see on television, movies or hear about in love songs. When our relationship doesn’t measure up we are disappointed and often give up without really trying. We find ourselves thinking we made a mistake in choosing our partner and feel if the relationship was truly meant to be it wouldn’t be so hard. Some force themselves to make the relationship “work” because of cultural, religious or family values and social pressures and stay in an unhappy relationship, surviving and feeling trapped, to avoid judgment or feeling like a failure for it.

The reality is most of us didn’t grow up being taught how to form healthy relationships and we have a limited concept that relationships are either good or bad. However, there are a few things we can do to improve our relationship skills and do our part in becoming the best partner we can possibly be.

First, we must recognize our responsibility and not get caught up blaming it all on our partner, even when it appears our partner is the one with the problem. Chances are that our partner is protesting with their words or actions about something we may or may not be doing that is making them feel insecure or disconnected in the relationship.

Second, we must understand the problem. If it involves something that is out of our control to fix, like something someone else did, our partner may just be looking for us to acknowledge and validate their experience. If it involves a behavior we do or don’t do or setting a boundary with someone who doesn’t seem to respect the relationship or our partner, then our partner may be needing active reassurance, which may require us to work on making a change or taking some sort of action.

Third, we must get curious and find out what our partner thinks the best solution is. If our partner has a solution that requires both of us to do something to meet each other half-way and it seems fair, then you may be in luck and the issue may not have been that bad after all. Or perhaps, it may involve you doing something that seems reasonable to you, because if it were the other way around you’d want that from your partner… in this case you’re also in luck. You also want to make sure to come up with your own solution options before approaching your partner so your partner won’t feel like you’re asking them to do all the work in the relationship.

When the communication in the relationship becomes too complicated or we feel disconnected and nothing seems to work, this is when professional help is necessary if you want to save the relationship. Couples who experience a major break down in communication or reach a state of constant disconnection in the relationship may have allowed too many issues in the relationship to go unaddressed and this created a crisis. Sometimes this happens when one partner suffers with anxiety, depression or doesn’t feel emotionally stable due to having experienced a traumatic event or the loss of someone or something significant; in these cases couple’s counseling can be really helpful for the partner in need to know how to ask for support and separate their struggle from the reality of the relationship and for the other partner to have support in supporting their struggling partner.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Couples who have experienced violence or threats of violence in the relationship are not considered appropriate to receive couple’s counseling. Couple’s counseling requires a certain level of emotional safety in order for partners to openly express their thoughts and emotions about their partner and the relationship without running the risk of being hurt physically, psychologically or emotionally. In these cases, individual counseling for both partners is recommended first. In some cases, a couple’s counselor will agree to work with a couple only if they each have an individual counselor, the violent partner recognizes their problem and is motivated to change it and both partners agree to sign a no-violence contract and safety plan.

THINGS TO CONSIDER IN FINDING COUPLE’S COUNSELING

• CONFIDENTIALITY: Counselors who are licensed or working under the license of a clinical supervisor are regulated by their state’s governing board and among the legal and ethical rules they must follow, confidentiality is one of them. The exceptions to confidentiality (situations where a counselor has to break confidentiality and notify authorities) include situations where the client is danger to themselves or another or cases where child abuse or neglect, or abuse of a dependent adult with a disability or over the age of 65 is suspected.

• CULTURAL COMPETENCE: It is always best to work with a counselor who understands our cultural background. This doesn’t mean that working with someone who is not part of your culture is wrong. You just want to make sure they understand your culture, because this does matter. In order to make sure a counselor understands your culture, if they are not of your same ethnic or cultural background, you may ask them to share with you what they know about your culture and what they’ve done to educate themselves.

• TRAINING & QUALIFICATIONS: Working with couples and relationships is a specialization and most counselors are only required to complete one course in their graduate program on this subject, which is not enough. While it is true there are some highly skilled counselors without specialized training, whenever possible, you want to make sure your counselor has specialized training in working with couples. It’s okay to ask questions about a counselor’s training.

• COMMUNITY COUNSELING CENTERS: Most communities have at least one local community counseling center that typically doesn’t turn people away for inability to pay. These are usually training centers for counseling students working under the license of a clinical supervisor. Students are eager to learn and help their clients, don’t be quick to think you will not get quality services at a community counseling center. Most of these are funded by government grants and private donations so their services are typically more affordable and some will provide services for free if you qualify. To find your closest community counseling center you may call 211 or visit their website HERE.

• PRIVATE PRACTICE CLINICIANS: These clinicians are often working independently or as an employee for another clinician. Often, this is where you will find the most experienced counselors with specialized training. You can find these counselors listed on different directories by doing a simple google search. Some may work with insurance, others will only provide you a receipt so that you may file for reimbursement with your insurance company and others will only work with private pay clients—some will also have a few low fee slots available, so you want to make sure to ask about this.

• MEDICAL INSURANCE: Most insurance companies do not cover couple’s counseling sessions unless these are considered “a medical necessity” for one of the partners. Which means one partner needs to meet criteria to receive a clinical diagnosis for a mental health condition. If you or your partner are experiencing anxiety or depression or any other mental health concern you may be eligible for this.

STEPS TO CONNECT WITH A COUPLE’S COUNSELOR

1. EXPLORE YOUR OPTIONS: Is using your medical insurance an option? If so, you can ask them to give you referrals. If filing a claim for reimbursement is an option, you will have more flexibility in choosing a counselor, find out if your insurance plan reimburses for out-of-network providers, the reimbursement rate and the steps you’d have to take to file a claim. Otherwise, consider identifying a couple community counseling centers and a couple private practice counselors to see what’s a better fit for your situation.

2. PREPARE TO REACH OUT: Identify a list of questions you may consider important when speaking to potential counselors (i.e. availability, frequency, expected duration of treatment, fees, length of session, cancellation policy, etc.)

3. REACH OUT: Community Counseling Centers may or may not offer the option of you connecting with a counselor before you get to meet with them for the first time, if this is important for you, make the request to speak with the counselor you’d be working with. Most private practice counselors offer free phone consultations where you can ask question and find out if they are a good fit for you and where they can get a sense of whether or not they can help you. Make sure you call around and speak to at least a couple counselors.

4. MAKE YOUR PICK: It’s okay to schedule an appointment and decide the counselor is not a good fit. It is important both your partner and you feel comfortable enough with the counselor in order to get to do the important work. Counselors know it doesn’t always work out and we’re always ready to offer referrals of other trusted colleagues that we think you may find a better fit.

5. CHECK YOUR EXPECTATIONS: If you are expecting the counselor will “fix” your partner, already you have set yourself up for disappointment. Couple’s counselors are there to look out for your relationship, not to take sides or fix partners. They are there to show you how to communicate more effectively, to help you identify what things get in the way and support you and your partner at learning to work together once again. This will require work from both you and your partner.

"My Partner was Abused" A Guide On How To Support A Partner

By: Maritza Plascencia, M.A., Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

Was your partner physically, psychologically, emotionally, or sexually abused?  Did your partner grow up in a dysfunctional home where s/he was neglected or witnessed domestic violence?  No matter at what point in their life you partner may have been hurt, the reality is that if they have not been able to experience healing from their traumatic experiences, these are more likely than not coloring their experience in the relationship they have with you.  The best thing we can do to support a partner is to be patient and educate ourselves in order to team up with them on their healing journey.

In my work with couples where one or both partners has experienced some form of abuse in their lifetime, I have witnessed that most healing happens when both partners are able to be open and vulnerable on a deep emotional level, as this creates a sense of deep connection between them.  Once this is achieved, the very thing that used to get in the way of that intimate connection, becomes the force that drives the connection.  One of the crucial things we must all understand when dealing with a partner's trauma is that a traumatic experience always changes and impacts the nervous system.  This means that until that person is able to have enough corrective experiences where the sense of emotional safety is reestablished, then and only then will their brain change again, for the better.  An intimate relationship with a partner is the kind of relationship that perhaps has the most potential to help any individual heal and simultaneously the kind of relationship with the highest potential for triggers.  In this partnership, both individuals possess the same opportunity to create emotional safety for the other.  Below are a few tips you may find helpful in doing so.

BE OPEN: We all know it takes time to feel comfortable in being open and deeply honest with a partner.  Also, depending on our background and the environment we were brought up in our definition of "openness" may vary.  For example, I may have been brought up in a home where it was okay to admit to really uncomfortable feelings or thoughts and this may be what I am working towards in recreating with my partner.  My partner may have had the opposite experience, where being open in the same way was perhaps perceived as being disrespectful, inconsiderate and/or selfish.  In this type of situation, we must lead by example and be patient as ultimately we must aim for creating a relationship where we are able to tolerate exposing our partner to the depth (darkness and light alike) that we carry within; if what we want is to convey emotional safety to our partner. If the opposite is true, if we are the ones who grew up with a negative connotation of “openness,” then we must know it is never too late to begin making changes that can make the relationship with our partner a safer and more deeply connected one.

A few simple steps to begin practicing this openness:

1. Share something personal with your partner (you can start with something easy)

2. Describe how you feel about it

3. Explore the ways in which this thing or situation impacts the way you see yourself and the messages it creates about who you are (share this with your partner as well, it’ll deepen the conversation)

4. Practice in-the-moment awareness and talk about what sharing this feels like

5. Be curious about how your partner feels or what s/he thinks about what you’ve just shared

6. Repeat (as you continue practicing, you may want to begin sharing things that are slightly more difficult for you and progressively work up to something you never thought would be possible to share)

Most people who have been hurt in severe and traumatic ways are able to recognize when another person is being painfully vulnerable with them, as they tend to be very familiar with their own pain and vulnerability.  Which is why having a partner that is able to meet them at that level can be such a relief as they may finally and for the first time (in some cases) feel like there is someone who truly sees them. Feeling seen and understood by a partner can bring so much healing to any trauma survivor.

COMMUNICATE FROM WITHIN:  In the United States, a country where culturally we place great value on the individual and "being yourself" or "being the best" we have been set up to think of ourselves and our needs first, sometimes without much regard for those we are in a relationship with.  We become conditioned to communicate in reaction to what is outside of us, in order to guard what we carry within; therefore, making us be more connected and aware of all that is in our outer world and numb or disconnected to that which we carry within--a reason most relationships that fail, do so.

To communicate from within means:

1. To take time to analyze what we are feeling and thinking in any given situation, before reacting

2. To recognize the ways the situation at hand may be triggering us based on past experiences

3. To have the ability to separate what belongs to us from that which does not

4. To respond to the situation at hand rather than impulsively react

5. To communicate in an authentic and honest way, putting the intention forward of contributing in a productive manner rather than looking to compete in order to win

6. To approach with compassion and really strive to do so from a non-judgmental position

7. To focus on listening as much, if not more, than on being heard

RESPECT BOUNDARIES: When someone has experienced abuse or in other words been violated in any way by another human being, the sense of boundaries may be thrown off. Think about it this way, every time that anyone experiences someone making them feel disrespected or act in a way that has no regard for their needs or boundaries (emotional, physical or otherwise) the experience often gets internalized as a sense of helplessness and disempowerment. As time goes on, following the traumatic event, there may be other experiences that even if on their own are not acts of abuse or traumatic, they nonetheless reinforce the sense of helplessness and disempowerment, which for many trauma survivors may translate into ambivalence about setting boundaries. Any trauma survivor in a healthy and safe relationship is more likely to progress in their healing and regain a sense of control over themselves. A supportive partner makes a good ally for emotional and psychological healing.

Respecting your partner’s boundaries can be more simple than you think:

1. Validate your partner’s boundaries when you notice your partner setting them, even if you don’t agree with or understand those boundaries; it’s important to support your partner’s efforts in setting boundaries

2. Model good boundaries to your partner, speaking up for yourself and setting boundaries with your partner or with others for your partner to see can be a good way to help your partner have some sense of what good boundaries are

3. Encourage your partner to speak-up when they feel uncomfortable in a situation with you as this creates safe opportunities for your partner to practice and gain confidence in setting boundaries

4. Remind your partner about their boundaries if you notice they are forgetting they have the right to set them, especially when you notice they seem uncomfortable around any given situation; sometimes it can be as simple as reminding a partner to speak-up if they don’t agree in going to a specific restaurant for dinner

5. Celebrate your partner’s ability to use boundaries whenever you notice them doing so, this can further validate and help your partner in gaining confidence in trusting themselves to know when to set boundaries

HAVE REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Awareness, time, patience, effort and a good support system are what it takes for any of us to heal from past traumas. Over time you’ll begin to notice subtle changes in your partner; this can be weeks, months or years, everyone heals differently. For example, you may notice your partner no longer cries every time they talk about what happened. Perhaps they no longer get triggered like they used to or maybe they are able to work through their triggers in a shorter period of time. Some people may find it very helpful to seek professional support in dealing with this process of healing; if your partner is receiving individual counseling you may want to ask if they’d be comfortable in requesting to have you join one or two sessions in order for their therapist to help you understand how to better support your partner’s healing process (a lot of people don’t know this is something they can request). Be patient if your partner is not ready for taking this step, it may be that they are still not feeling fully emotionally safe with their therapist or feeling protective of their healing space; this is absolutely normal. If you feel that your partner’s trauma is causing conflict in your relationship couple’s counseling may be a great way to seek additional support for your relationship. If you do seek out couple’s counseling you want to make sure you seek out a professional who has training in trauma and specialized training in working with couples. It’s okay to straight up ask a therapist about their training, you want to make sure you are getting what you are looking for. If you find yourself feeling triggered and/or in need of additional support for yourself then pursuing your own individual counseling is definitely appropriate and normal.

Consider the following to form more realistic expectations in supporting your partner’s healing:

1. Understand healing is a process and not a task, therefore the length of the process varies from person to person. Don’t put a deadline on your partner’s healing!

2. Expect to be triggered; we all have triggers and even if you’ve never experienced abuse you may find yourself feeling triggered over other things you haven’t taken the time to address within yourself or maybe didn’t even know you needed to address.

3. Embrace the frustration…yes, I mean it! It can be frustrating to support a partner in their healing process and if we don’t allow ourselves to own our own frustration within this process we may end up building up resentment towards our partner. This is why you need your own support system.

4. Communicate with your partner (see above on communicating from within)! Don’t expect yourself to be okay by putting your partner’s needs ahead of yours, this will burn you out. While your partner does need you to be supportive, understand that healthy support is to be able to set boundaries and care for yourself as well. This way, not only are you making sure you won’t burn out on your partner, but you’ll also be normalizing and modeling the idea of taking a break from dealing with the difficult stuff in order to recharge.

5. PRACTICE SELF-CARE!!! I know, I know I’ve mentioned self-care in the last two tips, but it is so important you understand how much this will play a role in supporting your partner if you want the relationship to be healthy and more importantly to survive.